When You’re “Too Much” for the Church: A Misfit, a Creep, a Weirdo, But Just Right for Jesus

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When I got born again in 2002, it was full steam ahead for me, face like flint, hands to the plow no looking back with Jesus. I was all in with the Lord. I didn’t care what people thought about me. I just wanted as much of Him that He’d allow me to have. I was so hungry for the things of God.

I got saved, water baptized, and filled with the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues within a few months of each other. Do NOT mishear my heart: I am not boasting in myself but the Lord whose Word is true, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled,” (Matthew 5:6). That’s exactly what happened. It’s as simple as that and for every believer who hungers after Him.

Jesus was like: Most assuredly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you,” (John 6:53).

I was like: “Since, You’re buying, well already paid for “lunch”, let’s go!” And I skipped off hand-in-hand with Jesus on our peculiar journey together of various terrains – valleys, mountains, and such.

Well, in the early years of my walk with Him, it seemed like He tested my declaration of utter devotion to Him. Ha Ha Ha, Lord!

This. Is. Hilarious

A few months before the Passion of the Christ movie came out, they showed the trailer at the church I was attending. Moments into it when they showed a portion of the crucifixion scene, the Spirit of God fell on me HARD.

I began to travail by the Spirit with guttural weeping and groanings from deep within my soul and spirit. Uncontrollably. And not at all quietly. Like all poured out completely weeping. There was even a guest speaker that day, and the church was full. At least 150-200 people. I do remember the guest speaker saying, “Praise God,” to my weeping because he must have recognized the familiar sounds of the travails of the Spirit, but that fellow “weirdo” never returned so.

I’d said to the Lord many times before that I was a living sacrifice unto Him, and I meant it and still do. Well, He poured it on thick that day.

I’m not saying be disruptive, rush the stage, and dance in the Spirit while the pastor is preaching. I mean: Be led by the Spirit who is peace not chaos. And the Spirit weeping through me at the remembrance of the Son of God being crucified so graphically was a time to He wanted to weep and did so through willing and given over to Him me.

I never made many friends at that church by the way. Just one other “creep” they also looked down upon – a mighty woman of God who laid hands on me in her home that God used to fill me with the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues. The first words of my prayer language simply – La. La. La. La. La.

I find the Lord and His ways so wonderfully peculiar, fascinating, and humbling at the same time. And I still don’t have many friends because I’m unwilling to quench the Spirit nor walk away from the narrow path. But that’s, okay, Jesus. You’re worth it.

When the church shuns someone for simply being fully surrendered, not perfect, surrendered, it’s not that they are “too much” or “too radical”. It is that Jesus and the ways of the Spirit are too much and too radical for the shunners. It’s Him they reject or pull away from. Not the surrendered, peculiar ones.

Honestly, I don’t fit so well in most churches because I don’t know how to do this walk without fearlessly giving myself over to the Spirit to have His way through me. For example, the Spirit loves to dance, so He dances through me. I will not stop Him for man’s sake. I don’t care what they think. But many care. They care how it makes their institution appear. “Oh, no! It might scare away the members.” They fear man more than God. That’s on them, but I refuse to allow them to stifle the Spirit in me or the ways of God.

Writing this made me think of that 90s song, Creep, by Radiohead. Parts of it resonate with me and my walk with the Lord. I changed the pronouns of the original song to make it work for this post and adlibbed the rest.

You’re a creep.

You’re a weirdo.

What the hell are you doing here?

You don’t belong here.


You may think I’m a creep.

You may think I’m a weirdo.

What am I doing here?

I belong to Jesus.

[Paraphrased and additional lyrics adlibbed/added by me to the song, Creep, by Radiohead]

Don’t worry if you don’t seem to fit in with the majority of Christians. The Word says, “Narrow is the path that leads to life, and few there be that find it.”

I’m sorry if you’ve suffered from church hurts and were mistreated by those who are called to love you. You’re not alone, You are His, and nothing can separate you from His love. Be sure to forgive them and give the situation over to the Lord. Unforgiveness is not worth it. And it’s disobedience to the Lord. Blessed are you when you are hated for His namesake. He will make a way to bless you for what you went through.

Perhaps it’s not such a bad thing not to fit in with the crowd after all. Jesus didn’t.

Election Prayers, Prayers for America, Prayers for President Trump, Testimony

The POWERFUL weapons you need right now: Testimonies of God’s faithfulness – Part 2

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“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony,” (Revelations 12:11).

The Lord led me to share my powerful testimony, When God is answering your prayers but things look dead (maybe even frightening): The State of America and a powerful, personal testimony on January 19, 2021, the day before the faux-nauguration which installed a fake-u-dent.

After that, I kept commenting to the Lord about how after all these years of not speaking much about what I went through (because it was traumatizing) how He graced me to share my testimony now – approximately 13 years later. How He’s been using my own testimony to minister to me powerfully about what happened with the elections, the injustice against President Trump, and evil appearing as if it’s won when they swore in false ones.

Then on January 27, 2021, I read this on Mario Murillo’s blog from the post called, REMEMBER THE MAJESTY OF GOD AND FIGHT:

“That is the reason the Left has tried to destroy our history, because it chronicles the impossible miracles God performed in American history. Our history is a weapon we must protect!

You have that weapon, too! The weapon of remembering the times God did the impossible for you. David killed Goliath with two weapons. The second one was the sling. The first one was his memory of God’s intervention. He explained his confidence to Saul, “Your servant has killed both lion and bear; and this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, seeing he has defied the armies of the living God” (1 Samuel 17:36).”

The Lord confirmed to me that He was using my testimony as a weapon to believe God for the impossible for America, President Trump, and the defeat of our enemies by His hand. That He had given me prophecies from His Word in 2002 that didn’t begin to come to pass until 2005. And weren’t officially “sealed until” 2008. Three to five years for the answer to progressively come to pass. LOTS of walking by faith and not by sight, not by what looked dead or impossible.

This is why we must walk by faith and not by sight when it comes to the Word and promises of God. His Word instructs us that it is nothing new for a promise to look dead before it comes to pass.

For approximately three years, the verses He gave me to pray prophetically as promises (Ps. 37, 18, etc.) over my situation, expecting Him to answer looked TOTALLY and UTTERLY dead during that time. In other words: Impossible for man. Only possible with God, the One who is named Resurrection and Life.

You have these weapons too! Your testimonies of God doing the impossible for you like He’s done for me many times.

Remember your past deliverances and victories from the Lord and use them as weapons against the enemy. Against what is seen. Against what looks impossible.

Continue to stand on His Word and/or tested prophetic word He’s given you until they come to pass. Consider NOT the deadness of any situation up against the Word of the Lord. All glory to the Lord!

Sorry for the delay in getting Part 2 out. It got buried in my draft folder.

Did the prophets get it wrong about President Trump’s reelection? Heaven’s perspective – Part 1

Answered Prayer, Faith, Testimony

When God is answering your prayers but things look dead (maybe even frightening): The State of America and a powerful, personal testimony

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I just read this excellent, Spirit-led post, “If We Believe, We will See the Glory of God.”

It reminded me of times when I cried out to God in faith, looking to Him and what His Word had to say about my circumstances, and standing on those promises. I prayed, prayed, and prayed.

And often, things got worse, sometimes even frightening BEFORE His answers came.

In other words, they became “impossible without God” situations.

Here’s an excerpt of the beginning of the above mentioned post, so you can get a taste of why it inspired me:

“Like most of you, I’m trying to process all that has transpired in our nation. Things certainly haven’t gone the way most of us thought or prayed has it?

My husband, Kevin said to me recently, “I think we have gotten a glimpse of what the disciples must have felt after Jesus was crucified. They were so certain it was going to go a different direction.” You can read the rest of it here. Worth the read.

Her post reminded me of a POWERFUL testimony of God’s deliverance in my life based on His promises…

Many years ago, I cried out to God for my son and I to be delivered from my ex-husband because he was a great danger to us. Before I left him he said, “I’m going to kill you and hide you’re body where no one will ever find you.”

So, I don’t want any “dads have rights too” comments from anyone. N/A.

I became a Spirit-filled, tongue praying, on fire for Jesus believer a few months AFTER I left him in 2001 with my then baby. The Holy Spirit led me every step of the way on how to pray. He led me to pray from the stance that my son and I were in danger, that his intentions towards us were evil, and to cry out for our deliverance.

I didn’t want us to end up like the many women and children we’ve seen murdered by the men who were supposed to be their protectors.

For a season, the restraining order I filed got renewed. Once because he admitted to threatening to kill me before the judge which I believe happened because I had prayed and fasted for many days before that court date. During that time, he also refused to participate in his supervised visitations.

One day, out of the blue, in late 2003, he became “interested” in seeing his son again. Long story short, he worked with an attorney to get the court to allow him to hire his own psychiatrist, a lying chump, to supervise his visits with my son.

I continued praying and fasting off and on for our protection, crying out to God to deliver us and keep us safe, especially my son.

Things got dark. Really dark, even frightening.

This psychiatrist painted me as a mother trying to keep a father’s son away from him. But the truth was I knew the truth about him, what he was capable of, how the Lord was telling me to pray, and had more than a valid reason to be as frightened as I was.

Because of that horrible psychiatrist, I ended up looking like the “bad buy,” to the judge. The crazy one. Instead of the abuser who wanted to “make me disappear.”

You see. The abuse had only been my word against his. I had no proof. But was able to get a restraining order based on a judge taking the cautious route when I said we were in great danger and that my ex’s green card was about to expire, and he was a flight risk for kidnapping.

Enter the dark, dark time…

In November of 2003, the judge ordered unsupervised visitations with a man whose green card had been expired for two years and was illegally in the country. Though I begged, the court didn’t require him to prove it. It made no sense! It was insane to me. I couldn’t believe it was happening to us. I was terrified for my son, 2.5 years old by then. I thought I’d die.

I didn’t know it at the time, but my ex husband had gotten a new girlfriend, my ex-neighbor’s wife. Rewinding a bit, I believe God used that relationship to keep my ex more focused on her than my son and me during the time he refused to do the supervised visitations from 2001 to 2003.

So from November 2003 to the summer of 2005, my son had unsupervised visitations with my ex. You have no idea what a prayer warrior, hold onto the promises of God like a pit pull this made me. No idea. There’s nothin’ like a mama praying for her child.

I REFUSED to give up on the promises of God for me and my son. REFUSED. I continued to cry out to God as He led, prayed the Word, prayed with other Holy Ghost filled, warrior women.

The Holy Spirit led me to Psalms like 37 and 18, and I knew by the Spirit, He wanted me to pray them. You know how the Spirit strongly highlights verse to us. Especially verses like:

“For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more;
Indeed, you will look carefully for his place,
But it shall be no more,” (Psalm 37:4).

“Wait on the Lord,
And keep His way,
And He shall exalt you to inherit the land;
When the wicked are cut off, you shall see it,” (Psalm 37:34).

“You have delivered me from the violent man,” (Psalm 18:48).

I’d read those verses and asked, “Lord, what does a little while mean? I don’t think I like Your version of little while, Lord. Have mercy, Lord. Help us, Lord. Deliver us. Keep my baby safe.” I declared those verses – His weapons of truth that destroy the works of the devil – over my situation countless times.

Late 2004/early 2005, my ex began to miss his weekly visits here and there citing work. I don’t think it was work but the woman he stole from our poor neighbor. I praised God every time he called to say he couldn’t pick him up, knowing my son would be safe at home with me, but not that he wrecked a home. God uses what is meant for evil for our good.

I haven’t written or spoken about this in some time, and it’s so difficult. I am sharing this because His Word is TRUE. He cannot lie. We can stand on His promises and see them come to pass EVEN when the situation looks dead, dark, and destined for nothing but destruction.

Kind of like America right now. Which I don’t at all believe the Lord is done with using for His glory.

SUDDENLY, in July 2005, I receive a call from my ex’s aunt, “He’s in jail without bond.” Though, I’d prayed for our deliverance thousands of times, I was honestly shocked when it happened. I didn’t ask or tell God how to deliver us but simply to please do so.

A week or two before his arrest in 2005 was the last time both my son and I ever saw him again. He spent the first year in jail before he was sentenced to prison for possession of cocaine, armed kidnapping, and armed false imprisonment. My ex-neighbor’s wife was also involved with the crime but only got probation.

I requested the thick stack of police reports and read them. What he did and how he terrified those people was heartbreaking. I didn’t know he had gotten on drugs while with his girlfriend who also had a drug problem which meant that my son was more than likely visiting a home where there were drugs, maybe even drug use.

Are these things unforgivable in the eyes of God? Of course not. But He alone sees the heart, it intentions, and whether it is willing to turn to Him through His Son Jesus Christ.

When my ex was transferred from jail to prison, I found the strength to look him up online. I wept and wept for him seeing the photo of him in that infamous orange garb. But at the same time, I wept and raised holy hands unto the Lord and rejoiced NOT in my ex’s suffering but in Him for His divine hand of protection and our mighty deliverance.

My ex served three years, and in 2008, was picked up by immigration directly from prison and permanently deported from the U.S.

Who says God doesn’t answer the prayers and cries of His people? It just most often doesn’t look like He’s answering them UNTIL He does and often much better than we asked for. I know this oh so well and in more cases than this one.

God is so good! A few months before my ex’s sentence was over, the Lord was so mindful of me to encourage me because I REALLY needed it.

“Was immigration going to do their job and remove him for his federal felonies or set him free in America again to do more damage?” I’d cry to Him and wonder.

“Comfort me, Lord. Speak to me,” I’d say. And that He did. He led me to these verses and strongly highlighted them as for me:

“The Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever,” (Ex 14:13).

“All your children will be taught by the Lord,
and great will be their peace.
In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you,” (Isaiah 54:13-14).

God’s name is truly Faithful and True. He gave me those solid Rock verses to stand on for the last leg of that horrible trial, and I did. Though, I was often frightened as his release day approached, I kept reading and declaring those verses again and again.

My ex sealed his own destruction just as the Word teaches us, his true nature was no longer hidden, but exposed for all to see. Again, just as the Word promises when He brings about justice.

The Lord vindicated me and brought justice for me and my son as well as those my ex victimized through those crimes. During my time of waiting for our deliverance, who knows how many chances the Lord gave him to turn from his wicked ways? We must choose Christ. He doesn’t force us.

I knew he was an extremely dangerous person to have in our lives, the Lord confirming it over and over in how His Spirit led me to pray. This is why it is so important to be led by the Spirit, not by what is seen. We need supernatural discernment and wisdom for the evil times we live in.

God not only answered, He answered exceedingly ABOVE all I could ask or think and in a way that touched my heart so deeply when He showed me this…

The Lord delivered me and my son in a way that kept my hands ENTIRELY CLEAN in the matter. Yes, for my sake, but even more so for my son’s, so no one could ever come back and blame me for him not having his father around.

It wasn’t the direct case I had had in the past or my direct claims about his abuse that got him hedged out of our lives, but God used another case against him and the law to do so. Thus, I am forever guiltless in the matter because what happened and his true self became undeniable, and NO ONE could open their mouths against me about it again. Hallelujah! What the Word means by when He “breaks the teeth of the wicked.”

It also came to me some time later, that his attorney, the chump psychiatrist my ex paid to make him look good, and even my own attorney later on in my case, didn’t take me seriously regarding my major concerns about my ex potentially kidnapping my son and removing him from the U.S.

They were more influenced by that psychiatrist who lied about me merely because of his title. Even to the level of mocking me. That one of my ex’s convictions was kidnapping. ONLY GOD! He justified and vindicated me in every way they mocked me and tried to paint me as the liar and unjust one.

When my son turned 13, I finally told him the full truth as to why his father went to prison, etc., and I praise God, I was able to say it had nothing to do with me keeping him from his father, but that it was something my ex did that got himself removed from his life. It was all truly a great miracle and deliverance by the Lord in the mysterious ways He works.

I pray this blessed you and encouraged your faith in Him and His promises for America’s sake and for President Trump and the vindication and justice he needs from a Father who longs to give it to him. Let us pray and believe, so we will see the glory of the Lord!